Day 74

Never ever bad mouth him in public... Never act like he was the most repulsive person in the world. After all at a point you DID love him.. and you DID make that choice. You will be tempted to curse him. You will want to inflict pain on him for all the disappointment you have, but do not. It makes you look immature and childish. I can take pride in the fact that I tried to handle is a ladylike as possible. My character is strong and resilient.

Day 74

I carefully watched as one by one my "in laws"deleted me off Facebook. It stung me to the core. I thought we could at least be cordial... It's not as if I ever made my ex look bad or slammed him in the public eye. I have to admit this is what drove home the reality of the breakup... Just watching how quickly I have been swept under the rug. I expected so much more from them...very very saddening...

Day 72

Don't pretend to wish them well... because I don't. I want this to be as costly and painful to him as it has been to me, and that's simply the truth. The way he was able to walk away from everything we had makes me seriously doubt any love. How can anyone ever be so spiteful to the one they claim to love. How can real love hold on to grudges??

Day 73

It will astonish you just how quickly all the time,effort,emotions,and money you spent on someone will evaporate into thin air. It has been nearly a year since he completely cut me off and never set foot back into the apartment we once shared. I don't even remember him nor the sound of his voice. Looking at pictures are like looking at a memory you can't recall. I don't remember any of it. Sometimes when I wake up I think its a joke or a bad dream. That I really didn't just waste these important years on a selfish bastard like that. Wondering what I ever saw.. or how I could overlook such traits? Was it me.. or did he just masquerade as something he was not?

Day 71

You will feel a part of you is missing for a long while. You will think of them on certain occasions. You will have moments where you want to share things with them, but will them be reminded. The day of my divorce hearing... I didnt even bother to attend the court. I didnt want to see him. I didnt want to cry. I didnt want to see the coldness in his eyes. I skipped it, and let the cards fall where they may. I woke up the day after angry.. angry about this situation. Angry that he had abandoned me. Wanting to escape my new life.. because Im so overall nervous about how things had worked out. I begin to notice that mutual friends and family had deleted and blocked me from Facebook, although throughout the entire process I was beyond ladylike and respectful. I felt like a shunned individual. smh. I believe the worst thing about it was that I never wanted it.. I never wanted to be a divorced woman, and have to start all over again... much like the course of our whole marriage I was subjected to things taking place that I didnt want....

Day 70

Because I go to many African events and know some details of some African marriages.. I wonder exactly why my ex-husband was not strong like some of the other men I know. I wonder if it was the fact that I was American that made it easier for him to cut ties. In marrying a foreigner I knew how serious marriage was in their culture. It provided me assurance that he also made this commitment with this understanding.. However, I have so many un answered questions, but I try not to let it boggle me or rack my brain. I just want to move on.

Day 69

I believe you must really make a consorted effort to close the door on any looming questions you may have about what could have been. I was asked by a close friend what would I do if my ex came back for me before our divorce was final, and before asked that question... I had never considered it simply because he is so callous and cold. His pride has prevented him in even reaching out to me since he requested the divorce. After pondering the weighted question, I realized I had never resolved it. I contacted him and asked him if he had reconsidered. He made a bunch of excuses of why we couldn't reconcile, why he had moved on etc, and at this point I was finally able to close this chapter. I felt in my heart that I had tried to salvage it any way possible, but he rejected it. I even released my movie that I passionately made to chronicle my journey. I am free.

Day 68

Sometimes I feel serious resentment towards him.. for wasting my time.. my parents money on our large wedding.. for scarring me emotionally, and making me feel hindrances that never existed before we married. Sometimes I look at myself, and wonder if I overlooked something critical that could have warned me how it would all play out. I wonder if our divorce was destiny or if we both just broke it...

Day 67

I'd be lying to say I don't think about my ex sometimes. That sometimes I wonder what he is up too, if he is happy.. if he regrets his choice, but living in the past is not wise for anyone. Because the truth is, if he approached me about reconciling.. I don't know how I would feel about it because so much has transpired between us.

Day 66

The broken relationships that inextricably follow a divorce. People that were considered family, and mutual friends gravitate between one side or the other. I am so saddened by break with my in-laws. I often think of them and miss talking to them. Its as if the strife between my and I has also severed those relationships, and God only knows what he has told them of me..

Day 65

I'm a spiritual woman. Always have been always will. So I'm taking this time to be very open and candid with God about the desires of my heart as well making a serious priority the things God is also expecting of me. In many ways I see where I went wrong in my marriage from my side. I refused to move forward in my career in which frustrated my ex.. although he could have been more supportive. In my own way I was selfish. I also didn't have the patience to nurture him in a better way. He was introverted and didn't express his feelings which only made me more angry. God has shown me areas to improve.

Day 64

Its ok to remember them sometimes. I believe its natural, after all you had every intent of spending your life with this person. Likely from the beginning you did things with your future in mind. Dont beat yourself up for it, but also dont dwell. Get rid of the memories best you can to not torture yourself with the constant reminder. Refrain from contacting them with tearful outburst.. if they are anything like my ex they have the coldest heart one could imagine.

Day 63

It does get easier. The pain does subside. The day will come will you have forgotten about him. That day, will be determined by you. In my case when my ex decided to leave me it was a clean break. He took all his things, and never set foot back in our place. Over the past few months I have really healed. I dont want to waste too much time pondering over the what if's because Im determined to get my life on track, and Im determined to succeed.. sooner than later. Often times it is our own fears that keeps us from moving on. For me, I am in my most critical decade.. I do not have time to expend on directionless moves. I have to go forward with a purpose and with a plan.

Day 62

It is important to heal as much as you can. Do not ignore the reality of your divorce.. Do not ignore how it makes you feel. Do not pretend your not sad,devastated,hurt or angry... Hash it out so that you may begin the healing process. In my case i took several months to deal with the disappointment of my ex leaving me. I pondered over the why and how as it continued to evade me. Fortunately I'm very in tune with myself. I try to look at things logically and not internalize things too much. My ex was just a man... capable of all sorts of disappointments. He was a quitter.. because he rather leave than try to sort things out. He was weak, a liar, and a cold hearted  individual. I was certainly not innocent, but I'm still no comparison for him. All of this transition took place for me in the fall. As someone who often self reflects and looks for improvement, the onset of my birthday and a new year often brings about a severe reflection. I decided that I would not take my sorrow for my ex into the new year, and that's exactly what I did. I decided that I would not squander time thinking of someone who didn't think or worry about me. It hurt me how he never called to check up on me. He never even called on our anniversary or holidays. He is the most callous person I have ever met, but I'm moving on. Life does go on.

Day 61

Remember that you are single.. and that any new person you meet is not your former spouse. It is a difficult transition to learn, but if you want to find success in another relationship at some point, you must learn it. Ive found in the process of beginning to date again, I have to constantly remind myself of such things. Not to expect too much, not to get too transparent.. not to move to fast.. not to show too many cards. Its not easy from going to an established relationship to being single and starting over.Things that you already taught your ex, you expect your new person to know. My advice is slow down and take it easy. Do not put too much pressure on any new relationship or else it too will break down. 

Day 60

Accept the fact that your ex spouse was just a mere human. Don't get so wrapped up in how they did you and so on and so forth. The fact of the matter is that we as people are all flawed and they have the capability to do just about anything. At first I was so devastated that my ex could just walk away. Even whilst I begged him. He showed no mercy, yet when I was in the very same boat... I showed compassion. We have alot of mutual friends, and I refuse to just cut everyone off because of this divorce. I have come to love them. I believe such things is very immature.

Day 59

Do not let the madness cause you to lose your mind.

Day 58

I long sometimes for my ex's family. I wish they could have helped more. His family has stayed out of the mix and I miss them.

Day 57

Let it go... learn to let it go as soon as you possibly can. It has now been months, and some days I get frustrated thinking about what has become of my marriage... how something that was supposed to last did not last. However, in order to move forward you have to cope with it and release it. Do not let this situation define you. Do not let it become a crutch or stump in your life. Keep moving forward. Do not claim it.. do not call yourself a 'divorcee'.... try your best to think of it as another breakup and not give it so much weight just because he was your 'husband'. You still have life.. and you can recover.

Day 56

Be strengthened on the fluctuation of your life. Last night I had the most harrowing experience. I came home to a cold house on one one of the coldest nights of the year. My furnace had gone out.. and it was a moment that I longed for the presence of a man to help and comfort. I keep reminding myself that God never puts more on me than I can manage. I stopped the sensation to cry, and looked for a temporary solution. The fact is I was me even before I began a marriage.. and I have to resort to being me once more.

Day 55

Don't play the what-if game. Surely you will drive yourself crazy pondering over what may have been between you and your ex. Obviously, when you started out you had bright ideas about your future, but at this point you have to find the strength to reconstruct your future and execute it with swift precision.

Day 54

Begin to formulate your comeback. To design what you want your future and want your next relationship to look like. When I look back over my marriage I can see alot of areas in which I went wrong. Im taking this time to cultivate and address those areas. Im also designing a realistic picture for my future. Before I married what was most important was a man that could provide, but Ive now come to realize having intimacy and communication is equally important if not more for me. i desire a partner, not a parent. Establishing that type of connection will prevent divorces because both you and your mate will have a deep investment in the relationship.

Day 53

Take control of the situation. In my case my ex was the one to request the divorce, and up until a few days ago I was leaving the whole process in his hands, but I feel there is a certain liberation by taking control. At first I wanted to fight as principle, but I realize there is no point for someone who is leaving me, and has no love or regard for me. Its best in such a case to just go on.

Day 52

Stay very very prayerful. This is a very vulnerable time for you and your family. Do not turn to drugs, alcohol or any other dangerous path for relief.. it will cause even more trouble in the long run. I turn to exercercise, karaoke, roller skating and quality time with friends. I express my feelings, cry if neccesary, pray and get it out. I have candid prayers with the Lord about my heart, my pain and my victory. I ask him to intercede, and most importantly to restore me.

Day 51

I never imagined being single after I took those vows. It has been tough to stomach, but I have too accept. The one thing that life and adulthood have taught me is that you have to be ready for anything. Personally, I am a very meticulous person and try hard to plan, but in life sometimes because of the connections we establish with others; we never know the path that life will take us. I also feel that wallowing is a waste of time because no amount of it can change the reality, therefore efforts are best utilized if they are used to pursue newer thing and people after a setback has occurred.

Day 50

Let revenge be the Lords. I know you will be tempted to lash out at your spouse. After all they hurt you, they took your time, they lied and broke their commitment.. etc the list goes on and on. However, revenge is the Lord's. Let him serve them in the best possible way. In my case my ex has abandoned me, dashed my dreams and broken his promises to me. He also is probably making up things against me to try to justify his choice. Sometimes i get so angry when I think of things.

Day 49

Try not looking back. You may have the urge to look up your ex.. especially with all this social media, but don't do it. It will stir up all the swirling emotions. In the Bible there is a very famous context my pastor always uses which is... "Remember Lot's wife" The scripture (Luke 17:32-33  "Remember Lot’s Wife. If you Cling to your Life, you will Lose it, & if you let your Life go, you will Save it.") Talks about consequences of looking back.

Day 48

Pray. Ask God to help restore you and heal you so that you wont become bitter in the future. Ask him to send you the type of mate that you need. And also ask him to help you develop in the areas that you lack to prevent this happening again. Prayer stirs up hope. It gives you an expectation of better times to come. I would encourage you to go often into prayer when you are experiencing pain and sadness.

Day 47

Do not ignore reality. Be honest with yourself, and when you can begin to muster be honest with others too. Unless your spouse has died and you able to cover up your marital issues with that, this subject is one that you will not be able to ignore or hide. you will have to accept it at some point. I'm trying to be mature through the process. I cant ignore that my ex existed.. he is and will always be part of my past. My main focus is trying to move forward and be successful. I don't choose to paint him as an evil creature. After all there was a point in which we both willingly chose to marry each other. I was committed to him, and I loved him. I think it is the epitome to totally slander your ex spouse just because you have experienced hard times... after all they are a reflection of you at some point of your life.. no one held a gun to your head and made you get married.

Day 46

Live your dreams. Now is the time to do all the things that you have been putting off. Think about it. The time invested in your marriage is lost. You will have to do double time to get yourself properly positioned. Don't hesitate.If you still have dreams to find love and have a family.. don't spend too much time grieving. Just remember you have one life, and don't squander it harboring hurtful situations or disappointments.

Day 45

You will understand the meaning of bitterness, anger, confusion, and anxiousness. When men approach you, you will instinctively want to know what they want.. you will have flashbacks.. you will feel the anger and resentment, but please do not let your past hinder you. Success is the best answer to any hardship you have faced. I am determined to find happiness in this area of my life.

Day 44

There are definitely two sides to the story of your divorce. I think that when you assess your side of things you can began to heal. The fact of the matter is that neither one of you just woke up one morning with a broken marriage. And realistically, there are not many problems that cant be fixed. I believe that with compromise and love anything can be sorted if both parties involved are willing. For me, I am taking an ariel view at my life so that I can improve myself. I did things that did not grow my marriage. I did childish things to inflict pain because I was in pain. I hold 50% of the responsibility, but so does he. 

Day 43

Relations with your spouses family: It can remain good at least for the moment based on their diplomacy. Or they can take his side and become your enemies. Naturally If you have children that are close with his side, this whole thing can be super tricky. Due to the fact most of my exes family is spread out in other states and his parents live abroad, I had limited contacts with them anyway. Sadly. I believe that perhaps they could have had more of an impact on him if they were closer, as they know him better than I ever did. I also attribute the fact to him being away from the social expectations of his home has made him more liberal to  pursue a divorce. I know for a fact if we lived abroad... this whole story would have happened differently.

Day 42

Do not let this time in your life define you. Do not let it hinder you, do not let it poison your mind. The truth of the matter is that you CAN get past this. You can rebound. You can have a fulfilling life again. For me being married validated me in many different ways. As a woman, no matter what other things you accomplish, you are validated by your relationship status, and I especially feel the pressure of "what is wrong with you" now that my ex has decided to leave me. In some ways, him being there validated me as desirable.. now I kinda feel like i have a communicable disease or something. I combat these feelings by trying to keep my appearance together. It makes me feel more attractive although I am fighting the battle of self worth inside.

Day 41

There are days when you will wish for your home to be like it used to be. You will wish for your ex to come through the door. You will wish to hear his voice, or lay aside him on a cold night. You will forget you cant call him to borrow a few bucks until payday.. You may become somewhat saddened by the memories of the future plans you had together, that will never come to pass, but all is not lost. You still have life, and if you allow yourself, you will be able to love again.

Day 40

Access your level of communication. is it an area that you can improve upon. To be honest communication was a consistent issue with my spouse and I, I didn't want to make him look bad to his family either so I held back on talking to them too about issues we were having. By the time i brought them to their attention, things had become very strained in the house. I recommend addressing issues early on, when you start to notice them. If you are unsuccessful communicating directly with their mate, enlist the help of a close friend or family member that perhaps knows better ways to communicate with them. This is especially important in African relationships. Often including them can help greatly in getting everyone on the same page. Don't abuse it though, use it as a last resort to a dire situation.

Day 39

You are free. Now is the time to explore all the things you were restricted from when you were married because of 'compromise' sake.In all honesty I hope at this point you realize that life is too short and nothing or no one is promised/obligated to you. Even if they make vows and promises to never leave you.. they still can, and do. If you are like me, you feel like after investing time and emotions into a failed marriage, there is no more time to spare. Although I do miss my ex at times, I feel relief. I don't have to debate about this or that. I don't have to deal with cohabitation. I don't have to sacrifice.. and I do find some solace in that. I have some great things planned for myself upcoming and it brings great excitement. :-)

Day 38

Because my Divorce journey is also incorporating dating.. I wanna go over some personal ground rules for my future suitor roster.... I have decided to be celibate during this time. I believe in taking time to meet and get to know anyone that I'm dating. I believe a lack of friendship contributed to some of the issues that my ex and I experienced. Also consciously and continuously remind yourself that the new person you are dating is not your spouse, be patient and open with them. Take this opportunity to prevent pitfalls from the past. Do not look back. Thanks to social media, it is easy to find other failed lovers/relationships from the past. Remember it didn't work in the past.. so it is probably best to not revisit it. If you happen to connect with someone you are interested in that doesn't reciprocate the same interest; move on. Do not trap yourself in another unsuccessful relationship. Take them at face value because if they were interested they would make time.... which is what 'Mr. Dimples' told me, and it is so true. This time is for you. If you have children, obviously it goes without saying that you need to be selective what you expose your children too. This time is going to be stressful and life changing for them.. you don't want to further confuse them by integrating foolishness in. Stay prayerful as well. Ask that God can restore and heal you from the scars and issues your divorce has caused. Ask that he will give you the desires of your heart to find a loving and supportive mate that you can spend your life with. He is certainly able to do it. I believe that.

Day 37

I think its important to began moving on towards your future as soon as you possibly can. For me this includes: ordering my finances,getting on track with God, dating again and going back to school. I have spared no time in that. I will be starting an online school next month and as I mentioned in one of my other posts, I have begun dating. I think that in many, many cases our spouses leave us because they seem to look at us as a burden, they seem to rationalize that their life will be better without us. Based on the way my ex speaks to me... I have come to this conclusion in my specific situation. I will use his doubts as motivation to move forward aggressively. I refuse to let him ever see me in a negative light, ever. I know a former divorced woman that never realized this truth, and her best days were when she was married. Her ex continued on to do big things, but she never rebounded professionally or personally after.For some reason my ex thinks I will never go any further without him... He is sadly mistaken. I can understand his misguided perception somewhat because during the course of our marriage whilst he strategically made individual moves to better himself, I focused more on us as a unit, and neglected my own progress. However, I am ambitious, and that is something that resonates from my past as well as my future. Nonetheless, I think the faster you delve into bettering yourself, the faster you heal.

Day 36

Ex-husband... Divorce... such nasty nasty words. Lately I have been working on not calling my ex my husband; my husband, by just calling him by his name. 'Husband' will still often slip. its subconcious.

Day 35

Deciding to repair or move on can be a difficult choice. For me, not so much. My ex has been so absolutely cold during this whole process, It only made sense to move forward. I tried relentlessly for a few months. Calling his friends and family, pleading for them to talk to him. Sending kind messages to him.. crying my eyes out. Staying prayerful (which I still maintain) and the like. However, there comes a point when you have to determine which way you will go forward. Again it will be specific to your situation. When you have children, business' and property the separation of church and state will naturally be tougher and longer. Fortunately or unfortunately we didn't have much to split, just a few bills which my ex wasted no time doing.

Day 34

I had my first date this weekend. An old adage says... 'The best way to get over one person is to get under another' and I believe it. Last week I went through a major internal battle of going home after work on friday night, sitting there alone thinking and wishing of a different reality, or going home, putting myself together and stepping out. I decided on the latter. Whilst out I met a handsome gentleman that actually reminds me in someways of my ex: Nice stature, dimples, big hands and charming.... he is also from the same foreign country. It built my confidence up to be approached by someone my taste on my very first night out. I did also happen to run into some friends of my ex who apparently didn't know our status. I simply referred them to him when they asked the standard "How is such-n-such". Naturally it is not my nature to just let go an be a free spirit, but in this instance I have decided to let myself be more free. Meeting Mr Dimples (as we will call him) really helped. I didn't conceal what I was going through. I was honest with him to allow him the choice of whether or not he wanted to involve himself. Thankfully he appreciated my honesty and we had our first date a week later. :-)

Day 33

Today was what should have been my three year anniversary. It passed slowly, and I received no call or correspondance from my estranged husband. I wasnt surprised really. He didnt bother to call on any of the holidays so I didnt expect it. You all would be proud of me though cause I didnt cry. I decided not to bring my angst into the new year. I decided not to continue to cry over someone who is not crying over me. Your grief in many cases is a descision that you choose. I decided that if I happened to learn that I would die soon.. I didnt want to spend too much time wallowing over someone who doesn't love or care for me. We always say if we knew our end we would live differently. I have just decided to actually apply that mentality to my life and in this new year. :-)

Day 32

Divorce is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It is never easy. It is never a blessing, and most of all, the years you have invested can never be repaid. I pray for all the others who are going through or have been through.

Day 31

Talk about burning rage.....You will be so angry at times when you think about the time you spent. Its natural, but dont do anything stupid. You can live to regret it if you do.You will want to inflict pain on your ex, but at the same time show love. The tug of war is absolutely relentless. The only advice I can offer to cope with it, is to calm yourself and understand your emotions are natural.

Day 30

You will endure violent emotions. You will want to choke the life out of your ex. All I can advise is don't do anything stupid whilst in these emotions. I can understand how furious you may feel when you think about the years spent and all the love lost. It is natural. Find a positive hobby to fill the void. Work out or ride a bike. Pick up kick boxing or yoga. I believe that physical activity is the best way to deal with your frustrations, and you cant get into trouble that way.

Day 29

There is a point in which you will stop being the victim. You will stop letting your (ex)spouse have so much power in your life. Unfortunately the time in which you determine this can fluctuate between months and years depending on you. Perhaps it is the fact that my breakup and everything is happening around the new year that helped me reach that point. I decided that I will move on and leave my fate in the hands of the Lord. If his will be that my husband and I will reconcile, I will let God deal with it, but as for me, I will move on and focus on God and my personal progress. I will not beg my husband to reconsider, I will not cry. I will not expect more from him than he can ever give. He is simply a man and God is greater... no need to invest so much hope in another human.. After all there are plenty to go around. Whoever came with the idea that there is only one love for you is crazy, there are clearly more than one man to every woman.

Day 28

I do worry finding someone as eligible as my husband. Handsome, smart,hard working... I will have to leave it up to God. I hope that my next relationship will have love in it though. The kind of love that will last me the rest of my life. The type of love that calls when you are late getting home from work, or stands by you when you are sick. The type of love that comforts you in sadness and revels in your happiness. Ultimately the type of love that will never turn their back on you, never leave you alone, and never leave you; only separated by death.

Day 27

Do not let divorce destroy you.... do not hold onto it. Do not become the woman still talking about her ex five years from now.. Try as hard as you can to let it go. To create the new you. Do not fall off. Do not give in. Remember, no matter how far ago it was, who you were before him.. and that you can re-emerge. I have never in my life been so conscious of coming back strong. I will be relentless in it, although I know it takes time.

Day 26

I will encourage you to take an aerial view of your marriage. Take responsibility for the things you did wrong. I doubt you were blameless. Both contribute. Try to reconcile and make things right if possible. it may be worth your fighting.regardless if you can save it or not, self assessment can always be beneficial for the future. No one wants to keep making the same bad choices over and over.

Day 25

For some reason, my husband seems to think that my life is not going to go on after him. He seems to think that anything that I do regarding my own improvement is centralized around him. Its hilarious to me that some honestly think that you will not survive without them. I literally have been married only 2.5 years, but have lived decades. I can assure you, life does indeed, go on, and it will go on for you too. I look forward to blowing up in success, and finding a wonderful loving mate to share my life with.

Day 24

For just a few years I have identified with the term 'wife' and I loved it. I loved being connected to something I felt was bigger than me. I loved changing my name and taking my husband's surname... but unfortunately thanks to him I have to let it go, and I'll be honest it has shaken me to the core. I don't think I will ever identify with the term 'divorcee'. I will kindly say we went our separate ways, and I will not be reverting my name back. I wear it as a badge. I always loved my husbands name, and I will still continue to wear it until (optimistically speaking) it changes again for the true better and worse. I don't believe in taking on such identifiers. Some people wrap themselves in their divorce. They begin to allow it define them. Ten years from now they will still be talking about it. I do not intend to be one of them. I hate the word.. I hate that it applies to me. I honestly never wanted this experience.. I never wanted to belong to this club, and it is so incredibly painful that I never want to know it again. For those that marry umpteen times and divorce... I have no idea how you find the energy. I have literally almost had a psychotic break. I have cried until my eyes were sore... my heart has ached and longed for my husband. I have felt the waves of silence in my home. Its absolutely awful, and on the scale of divorces mine is not as bad as it can get... but the pain is insurmountable.