Day 23

Oh God.... the embarrassment. You cant even put it into words the cringe whenever someone asks you about your 'husband' and then go into 'Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear that" whilst you feel the snicker inside. The whole divorce experience has been beyond embarrassing to me. People were jealous when we married and hoped for the worst, and here it is coming to past. It is the prideful person's nightmare. Just remember although it hurts tremendously now, over time it will lessen.At least that is what they tell me. I fell that taking control instead of trying to ignore it also softens the blow. People will talk, but by taking control of your situation you limit the speculations. In my case I went as far as to make a movie and release it on YouTube to express my side of things. I refused to be silent in all of this. Ive chosen to instead become a resource.

Day 22

Keep your routine... don't lose yourself in despair. It is certainly easy to do with all the stress. Easy to quit eating, quit going to the gym.. stop maintaining yourself, but you have to keep it together. Don't give him or any of the hecklers the satisfaction. The fact of the matter is you have to rebuild your life, you have to create a new regimen. Using what you can of your old one can be helpful in this. Once you get out of the positive things of your routine, It can be difficult to get back to it such as: going to church or working out, so preserve what you can.

Day 21

I dont care what anyone will tell you.. the pain of heartbreak is real.. it has broken me down on so many nights. I dread coming home to my empty apartment, and remembering the good and bad of home. I have sobbed my eyes out, spent sleepless nights, and the like behind this divorce. I never ever want to encounter anything like this in my life. Even though I sometimes feel that were not compatible.. your spouse will still grow on you. After all at the point you married them, you had honestly believed you would spend the rest of your life with them. Even at the point over a year has passed, I hate to admit that I still have moments I ponder on things, but I focus the majority of my time and efforts on how to enhance my future, and how to find love again.

Day 20

You will feel inadequate. You will feel worthless and not beautiful. As a woman we measure ourselves by the man we can attract and keep. Somehow, you will feel responsible for him leaving you and it will be devastating. You may have held responsibility in the demise ( I can be honest and say there were things I did),but it takes two. Do not bear the entire weight because it must be shared. Reconcile the things you did with yourself , and improve for future love and relationships.

Day 19

Trust issues.... you will undoubetedly develop. Part of you may want to isolate yourself and never ever trust another man... the other vengeful side will want to find someone better than your last to flaunt and show off that you were able to rebound. Your mind will be split and will play tricks on you. I cant believe that my husband would abandon me.. he was the last person in the whole world I would think would quit. smh

Day 18

Bitterness.... undoubetedly, will you feel it even if you dont want too. I know my biggest issue and deepest pain comes from the fact that husband promised to sustain me no matter what however quickly decided to leave me. With him being African I thought I was especially safe from divorce as it is a taboo in his culture as well as his catholic religion. I deal with spilt emotions nearly everyday. There are days where I think that moving on may not be such a bad thing.. but most of the times I am so petrified at the thought of beginning again.. Meeting and entrusting someone again. I had established a comfort zone that I didnt expect troubled. It has been difficult to wrap my mind around my current status.

Day 17

Holidays will be tough. Even if you and your spouse were always at odds. you will feel the void. People will keep asking you about them.. You will have to shed the memories of what you were doing this time last year, as you were undoubetedly with them last year. You will be moved to tears by music commercials and couples out and about. You will wonder why you too couldnt be happy in love. I have been keeping a low profile, as I have been randomly crying. Social events are hard, I have to keep them to a minimum.

Day 14

The infamous line.. it could be worse, really rings true. I look at what Im going through and I look for the silver lining because I know many others that have endured such nastier divorces. Although my husband is ice cold towards me, we go through this over distance. Im not bombarded with in my face reminders everyday like some have to face, and we dont have children (thank God I decided not to have any because of some of the discord that we experienced) Some people seems to think that babies fix everything. I have never believed that. Im thankful that if it must end, that it is due to his stubborness. I rest easy every night knowing that I made attempts to mend things with him, and that he refused them.I know the day will come when he thinks over it, and I vow to make the most of my future as a response to his abandonment.

Day 12

I wore my wedding ring from the day I got it, but it was interesting just how quickly the band tan faded. Within a month it was no more. Yesterday I looked at my gorgeous diamond ring, and I missed wearing it. I missed the symbolism, but as it stands. My husbands choice still stands.This also has to be the absolute worst time with all the holidays coming around. The first holiday I spent without him was odd. It was the first holiday in years that we were not together....Bittersweet. Usually my husband would irritate me to no end on the holidays, but I would be lying that I dont feel the void of him not being there. Even if problems exist in the relationship, it is never ever a clean break. I waited in vain for him to show up or call on the holiday.. he did neither.. he is the most heartless man ever.

Day 11

The loneliness that you may begin to feel is daunting. It will shake you to the core. Especially if you have been married awhile, you will see just how much you were accustomed to the little things of your spouse.. like the sound of their voice, or hearing their song on the radio. Certain landmarks you see will bring them to memory, and don't forget that people will continue to ask you about your spouse everywhere you go. People may notice that you have stopped wearing your wedding ring or have removed pictures from your desk at work... the separating portion is so hard... its like tearing flesh from bone even if you were not happy with your spouse. You may begin to worry about finding another mate.... all these sensations are natural.In my case, My husband was physically what I always wanted. Very handsome, perfect smile. I find that when I look at men. I still measure them to my husband, and am not attracted... smh.

Day 10

This is the time when it is critical to devise your bounce back strategy. Many people cant bounce back after the devastating blow of divorce...but i have made up my mind to excel.Whatever that means to you specifically begin to pour into it immediately. For me this is going back to school,making sure I keep myself together and drawing close to God. All areas in which suffered when I was married. To be honest, when I got married and things got rocky, I distanced myself from God because I was angry. I stopped tithing and  working in ministry. I wonder at times if that was the moment I contributed to the destruction of my marriage.. because I ran from God. Believers can not do things like those of the world do. We experience much heftier consequences. I wanted my husband to be everything in my life, and was troubled when he did not measure up. As a response I should have poured INTO and not out of my marriage. I should have chased God down reminding him of the promises, not hitting the streets. Hindsight is always 20/20. 

Day 9

People will say they are there for you, but they lie. The truth if the matter is you will feel it alone. Noone will be able to aid you in the pain and the loneliness. Part of me wants to reconcile, but the other half wonders what life is like on the other side, wonders if he ever actually loved me since he can so easily abandon me. This experience makes me leery to trust again. If someone can look you in the eye, and profess the ultimate human commitment, and then walk away whenever its convenient..... who in the world can you trust. I know definitively I can never go through this ever again. too painful.

Day 8

The rumor mill will kill you especially the social media side. The moment you change your relationship status.. or when they start noticing a lack of pictures of the two of you together. Today someone contacted my mother asking about the status of us two. Suggesting that I should have moved out of state with my husband, when he decided to attend pharmacy school out of state. Little did they know I was last to find out about his choice, and I was never included in his choices. I did not feel like I should sacrifice everything for someone that couldnt even consider me, husband or no husband. I knew being alone with him out of state would be a lonely journey that I was not willing to take. It just wasnt worth it to me. And the sad thing is that in my case, we had been having issues since our first year, by the time he decided to move, our relationship was already dead. I guess desperate chicks are supposed to eat,breath,sleep and live for their husbands.. but honestly I have always been very concerned with my own personal aspirations. I watched many of my parents friends sacrifice their lives for the betterment of others whilst their dreams died... I vowed to never do the same.But that is the part they don't know and would never have the heart to ask you.. so they go on with their chatters.. and it is both embarrassing, and angering. Do prepare.

Day 7

I feel so much anger. Anger that my life has to come to this turn. Angry I have to start again. Wondering why things cant just go my way ugh. Angry at my husband for breaking his promise to always be there. Angry that people just cant be trusted. angry that I am yet to ever have a love reciprocate the love that I give. I know people say these type of experiences are 'life lessons' but I hate that expression. I believe it is really just a cop-out because we cant prevent having to deal with it.Angry because I loved his family and am close with them,Angry that I wont be affiliated with my husband any more. Angry that I never forsaw this day. Angry that I was not prepared. Angry that perhaps...just perhaps, I'm reaping what I sowed in a sense.

Day 6

Your will not believe the harsh words your spouse will use towards you. It will absolutely blow you mind. Its as if the day never existed when they loved you or they cared. It will be a faint memory. Unfortunately, during breakups people tend to be very immature and take shots where they can. Some want to inflict pain, especially when they feel hurt by you. I cant believe how my husband talks to me. I reached out a few times by text and he was so cold and callous I had to go back just to reread it. For a moment, I thought someone else had taken his phone.It will be so painful to comprehend it, but it is a part of the process. Try not to over expose yourself. Look for an outlet that will not be detrimental to you. It can help you handle the stress.Refrain from pouring out your feelings to them if they appear to be exceptionally spiteful because all it will do is cut you deeper.

Day 5

They are not the only potential mate in the world, especially if the two of you have come to this conclusion.You have to tell yourself just to stay sane. Have you ever considered that it may have been a mistake from the beginning that you tried to forge together? If that the case, you can use that to justify the eventual breakdown. Were there cardinal signs that you chose to ignore.. thinking that you could move past them? Me personally ,am looking forward to new beginnings and a more fulfilling life. To be honest my marriage was become much more work than pleasure. In my case the break will be more easy. We dont have loads of property to divide, and we don't share kids.. So once everything becomes final, we can go our separate ways thankfully. I think divorce is really sad, believe me. I never expected to be headed down this road, and I don't want it, but I have come to peace with it. We are human and we all can experience failure, the most important thing to remember is to keep going on. I am fully confident that I will meet happiness soon, and with more maturity and wisdom.It will however be more taxing if you are a believer.. you deal with the , "Am I making the right choice?" and "Will God punish me for this?" series of questions.. because after all we all know that God does not advocate for it..although a few grounds for divorce are presented.

Day 4

Sometimes I hate that Im such a pessimist, that I am always mapping and planning escape routes.... but I am, and i do.Somehow I worried of this day a few times over the years. I hoped that I would never meet it, but I have. Sometimes I think instead of thinking in this way, I wish I was one of those hopeless optimistic people that can only ever anticiapte the positives. Seems like they are so much more free. Sometimes I wonder if this aspect is one that pushed my husband away. I definitely know I have to learn to not be so critical for the future. Everyone can not handle the pressure. Sometimes I wonder if he was really insecure, and needed assurance from me.. ironically the very same assurance I needed from him. The sad thing is communication was always a struggle for him, so I may never learn what exactly was in his head that caused him to take this path.

Day 3

Sometimes I experience real moments of anger, and I feel used. When these bouts come over me I console myself with one of my life's most comforting theories: Human Nature. When I was younger, I used to get so hurt and offended when misfortunes would take place. I would feel so slighted and wonder why it was that certain individuals felt like they could do certain things to me. As I grew up, I surmised that it was just human nature and the way we are all socialized, especially in the capitalist society of America. In America nothing is particularly sacred and people are willing to do whatever it takes to pursue the American dream. They sacrifice love,time,family,health, and spirituality all to chase the almighty dollar. In life there are two categories: givers and takers. Givers give from a deep place in their hearts. it is like water for them. They long to see their friends,family and mates pleased and satisfied....for the taker this is like an unlimited goldmind, and it usually doesn't end well. I have worked so hard in my life to protect my heart once learning this truth. I can honestly say no one ever had more access to me,my heart and my wealth more than my husband. However, I noticed early in the relationship (of course after marriage) that my depth was not matched. Fortunately or unfortunately I began to withdrawl. It has always been in my nature to do so if I feel the disconnect. At this time, I can honestly say I dont hate my husband. I charge my failed marriage to human nature because people can only get what you give. I guess im thankful I didnt give more than I could recoup.

Day 2

I had the perfect look of things in my house. Both my (ex)husband and I are attractive people, have nice things, live in a nice apartment. Im sure many looked at us as a model couple, never knowing the strife that we endured in the privacy of our home. Today I ponder about the perfect blend of beauty and sincerity for my future. I wonder if I will ever find real love. If it is really possible to have both things in harmony. The rift strated early for us, but because of my deep rooting in the church, I tried to forge through it. In my gut... I felt the disconnect.. but my desire for the image was real. Just as I believed it was also for my husband. I believe alot of us suffer with the tug of war between the image and the reality of our homes, careers and lives, and even some sacrifice a more fulfilling life just told hold on to their image. Separating from my husband is a bittersweet thing. Its bitter because of all the mutual friends and family we share, the name we share and the time invested. Its somewhat a relief because of the sleepless nights of worry, the lack of connection, and the refusal of teamwork and compromise on his part. I have a very open mind about moving on from the past. I believe life is too short to cry too long over things that have taken place. Don't get me wrong it is sad and all what is happening to all that we have built, yet there is something freeing about it as I think of new possibilities :-) Buck up..... everything is going to be alright.

The First Day 11/4/2014

Today is the first day after my husband vehemently requesting a divorce after nearly three years of marriage, and refusing to reconsider his choice. I offered to work. I reached out to his family. I cried,and I felt alone. I am creating this blog as a day by day account of the first year after a divorce. The highs and lows. It is an intimate detailed account of my life, my truth, my sadness and my victory. As always this is not to disrespect my husband, his family or friends, but to be used as an honest account that can provide support for many others that experience the same. This has been a long time coming as we have had a rocky relationship from the beginning of our marriage. We both did inappropriate things that left each other hurt and did not resolve the problems that we had. At one point last year, I wanted to leave as I have previously shared on my blog, but he asked me to stay, and I did. As it is difficult to ever walk away from someone when you have remnants of love. I am trying not to feel bitter that now that the tables have turned I do not receive the same consideration. My emotions are mixed. Partially of relief from the sleepless nights,tears and worries, but also sadness at being disconnected from someone I have shared a home with, made new friendships with and invested time on. At this point I am trying to see the silver lining, the very fact that we don't have children to involve in the mix, that I am still young and have the potential to find love yet again. Worry currently keeps me up at night, as I was at the point that I wanted to begin a family, and my husband was the ideal candidate. I worry about entrusting someone again, as It takes time, and i worry about having children in a decent time frame. I think about separating all the bills and constantly being asked about him, but lastly I feel used as he has accomplished much for himself during our marriage, but I am left feeling that I did not get equally as much done. I will soon deactivate my Facebook to focus on other things, but keep this concealed from my main blog and YouTube channel. I recently returned from abroad in which this internal debate was one of the driving factors, as I prepare to go into 2015 I needed to have direction in our relationship. There were two options, stay and honestly work together, as I have to take responsibility for my portions of the wrongs (side friends,emails that discussed issues I was having with my husband,mean words in arguments etc) or move on separately. Needless to say which option was chosen...lol. I guess the most hurtful aspect of it is how easy it seems for him to ignore me and cut me off, its as if I never existed.