Day 45

You will understand the meaning of bitterness, anger, confusion, and anxiousness. When men approach you, you will instinctively want to know what they want.. you will have flashbacks.. you will feel the anger and resentment, but please do not let your past hinder you. Success is the best answer to any hardship you have faced. I am determined to find happiness in this area of my life.

Day 41

There are days when you will wish for your home to be like it used to be. You will wish for your ex to come through the door. You will wish to hear his voice, or lay aside him on a cold night. You will forget you cant call him to borrow a few bucks until payday.. You may become somewhat saddened by the memories of the future plans you had together, that will never come to pass, but all is not lost. You still have life, and if you allow yourself, you will be able to love again.

Day 39

You are free. Now is the time to explore all the things you were restricted from when you were married because of 'compromise' sake.In all honesty I hope at this point you realize that life is too short and nothing or no one is promised/obligated to you. Even if they make vows and promises to never leave you.. they still can, and do. If you are like me, you feel like after investing time and emotions into a failed marriage, there is no more time to spare. Although I do miss my ex at times, I feel relief. I don't have to debate about this or that. I don't have to deal with cohabitation. I don't have to sacrifice.. and I do find some solace in that. I have some great things planned for myself upcoming and it brings great excitement. :-)

Day 38

Because my Divorce journey is also incorporating dating.. I wanna go over some personal ground rules for my future suitor roster.... I have decided to be celibate during this time. I believe in taking time to meet and get to know anyone that I'm dating. I believe a lack of friendship contributed to some of the issues that my ex and I experienced. Also consciously and continuously remind yourself that the new person you are dating is not your spouse, be patient and open with them. Take this opportunity to prevent pitfalls from the past. Do not look back. Thanks to social media, it is easy to find other failed lovers/relationships from the past. Remember it didn't work in the past.. so it is probably best to not revisit it. If you happen to connect with someone you are interested in that doesn't reciprocate the same interest; move on. Do not trap yourself in another unsuccessful relationship. Take them at face value because if they were interested they would make time.... which is what 'Mr. Dimples' told me, and it is so true. This time is for you. If you have children, obviously it goes without saying that you need to be selective what you expose your children too. This time is going to be stressful and life changing for them.. you don't want to further confuse them by integrating foolishness in. Stay prayerful as well. Ask that God can restore and heal you from the scars and issues your divorce has caused. Ask that he will give you the desires of your heart to find a loving and supportive mate that you can spend your life with. He is certainly able to do it. I believe that.

Day 35

Deciding to repair or move on can be a difficult choice. For me, not so much. My ex has been so absolutely cold during this whole process, It only made sense to move forward. I tried relentlessly for a few months. Calling his friends and family, pleading for them to talk to him. Sending kind messages to him.. crying my eyes out. Staying prayerful (which I still maintain) and the like. However, there comes a point when you have to determine which way you will go forward. Again it will be specific to your situation. When you have children, business' and property the separation of church and state will naturally be tougher and longer. Fortunately or unfortunately we didn't have much to split, just a few bills which my ex wasted no time doing.

Day 30

You will endure violent emotions. You will want to choke the life out of your ex. All I can advise is don't do anything stupid whilst in these emotions. I can understand how furious you may feel when you think about the years spent and all the love lost. It is natural. Find a positive hobby to fill the void. Work out or ride a bike. Pick up kick boxing or yoga. I believe that physical activity is the best way to deal with your frustrations, and you cant get into trouble that way.

Day 29

There is a point in which you will stop being the victim. You will stop letting your (ex)spouse have so much power in your life. Unfortunately the time in which you determine this can fluctuate between months and years depending on you. Perhaps it is the fact that my breakup and everything is happening around the new year that helped me reach that point. I decided that I will move on and leave my fate in the hands of the Lord. If his will be that my husband and I will reconcile, I will let God deal with it, but as for me, I will move on and focus on God and my personal progress. I will not beg my husband to reconsider, I will not cry. I will not expect more from him than he can ever give. He is simply a man and God is greater... no need to invest so much hope in another human.. After all there are plenty to go around. Whoever came with the idea that there is only one love for you is crazy, there are clearly more than one man to every woman.

Day 27

Do not let divorce destroy you.... do not hold onto it. Do not become the woman still talking about her ex five years from now.. Try as hard as you can to let it go. To create the new you. Do not fall off. Do not give in. Remember, no matter how far ago it was, who you were before him.. and that you can re-emerge. I have never in my life been so conscious of coming back strong. I will be relentless in it, although I know it takes time.

Day 26

I will encourage you to take an aerial view of your marriage. Take responsibility for the things you did wrong. I doubt you were blameless. Both contribute. Try to reconcile and make things right if possible. it may be worth your fighting.regardless if you can save it or not, self assessment can always be beneficial for the future. No one wants to keep making the same bad choices over and over.

Day 25

For some reason, my husband seems to think that my life is not going to go on after him. He seems to think that anything that I do regarding my own improvement is centralized around him. Its hilarious to me that some honestly think that you will not survive without them. I literally have been married only 2.5 years, but have lived decades. I can assure you, life does indeed, go on, and it will go on for you too. I look forward to blowing up in success, and finding a wonderful loving mate to share my life with.

Day 24

For just a few years I have identified with the term 'wife' and I loved it. I loved being connected to something I felt was bigger than me. I loved changing my name and taking my husband's surname... but unfortunately thanks to him I have to let it go, and I'll be honest it has shaken me to the core. I don't think I will ever identify with the term 'divorcee'. I will kindly say we went our separate ways, and I will not be reverting my name back. I wear it as a badge. I always loved my husbands name, and I will still continue to wear it until (optimistically speaking) it changes again for the true better and worse. I don't believe in taking on such identifiers. Some people wrap themselves in their divorce. They begin to allow it define them. Ten years from now they will still be talking about it. I do not intend to be one of them. I hate the word.. I hate that it applies to me. I honestly never wanted this experience.. I never wanted to belong to this club, and it is so incredibly painful that I never want to know it again. For those that marry umpteen times and divorce... I have no idea how you find the energy. I have literally almost had a psychotic break. I have cried until my eyes were sore... my heart has ached and longed for my husband. I have felt the waves of silence in my home. Its absolutely awful, and on the scale of divorces mine is not as bad as it can get... but the pain is insurmountable.

Day 23

Oh God.... the embarrassment. You cant even put it into words the cringe whenever someone asks you about your 'husband' and then go into 'Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear that" whilst you feel the snicker inside. The whole divorce experience has been beyond embarrassing to me. People were jealous when we married and hoped for the worst, and here it is coming to past. It is the prideful person's nightmare. Just remember although it hurts tremendously now, over time it will lessen.At least that is what they tell me. I fell that taking control instead of trying to ignore it also softens the blow. People will talk, but by taking control of your situation you limit the speculations. In my case I went as far as to make a movie and release it on YouTube to express my side of things. I refused to be silent in all of this. Ive chosen to instead become a resource.

Day 17

Holidays will be tough. Even if you and your spouse were always at odds. you will feel the void. People will keep asking you about them.. You will have to shed the memories of what you were doing this time last year, as you were undoubetedly with them last year. You will be moved to tears by music commercials and couples out and about. You will wonder why you too couldnt be happy in love. I have been keeping a low profile, as I have been randomly crying. Social events are hard, I have to keep them to a minimum.

Day 14

The infamous line.. it could be worse, really rings true. I look at what Im going through and I look for the silver lining because I know many others that have endured such nastier divorces. Although my husband is ice cold towards me, we go through this over distance. Im not bombarded with in my face reminders everyday like some have to face, and we dont have children (thank God I decided not to have any because of some of the discord that we experienced) Some people seems to think that babies fix everything. I have never believed that. Im thankful that if it must end, that it is due to his stubborness. I rest easy every night knowing that I made attempts to mend things with him, and that he refused them.I know the day will come when he thinks over it, and I vow to make the most of my future as a response to his abandonment.

Day 12

I wore my wedding ring from the day I got it, but it was interesting just how quickly the band tan faded. Within a month it was no more. Yesterday I looked at my gorgeous diamond ring, and I missed wearing it. I missed the symbolism, but as it stands. My husbands choice still stands.This also has to be the absolute worst time with all the holidays coming around. The first holiday I spent without him was odd. It was the first holiday in years that we were not together....Bittersweet. Usually my husband would irritate me to no end on the holidays, but I would be lying that I dont feel the void of him not being there. Even if problems exist in the relationship, it is never ever a clean break. I waited in vain for him to show up or call on the holiday.. he did neither.. he is the most heartless man ever.

Day 9

People will say they are there for you, but they lie. The truth if the matter is you will feel it alone. Noone will be able to aid you in the pain and the loneliness. Part of me wants to reconcile, but the other half wonders what life is like on the other side, wonders if he ever actually loved me since he can so easily abandon me. This experience makes me leery to trust again. If someone can look you in the eye, and profess the ultimate human commitment, and then walk away whenever its convenient..... who in the world can you trust. I know definitively I can never go through this ever again. too painful.

Day 8

The rumor mill will kill you especially the social media side. The moment you change your relationship status.. or when they start noticing a lack of pictures of the two of you together. Today someone contacted my mother asking about the status of us two. Suggesting that I should have moved out of state with my husband, when he decided to attend pharmacy school out of state. Little did they know I was last to find out about his choice, and I was never included in his choices. I did not feel like I should sacrifice everything for someone that couldnt even consider me, husband or no husband. I knew being alone with him out of state would be a lonely journey that I was not willing to take. It just wasnt worth it to me. And the sad thing is that in my case, we had been having issues since our first year, by the time he decided to move, our relationship was already dead. I guess desperate chicks are supposed to eat,breath,sleep and live for their husbands.. but honestly I have always been very concerned with my own personal aspirations. I watched many of my parents friends sacrifice their lives for the betterment of others whilst their dreams died... I vowed to never do the same.But that is the part they don't know and would never have the heart to ask you.. so they go on with their chatters.. and it is both embarrassing, and angering. Do prepare.

Day 7

I feel so much anger. Anger that my life has to come to this turn. Angry I have to start again. Wondering why things cant just go my way ugh. Angry at my husband for breaking his promise to always be there. Angry that people just cant be trusted. angry that I am yet to ever have a love reciprocate the love that I give. I know people say these type of experiences are 'life lessons' but I hate that expression. I believe it is really just a cop-out because we cant prevent having to deal with it.Angry because I loved his family and am close with them,Angry that I wont be affiliated with my husband any more. Angry that I never forsaw this day. Angry that I was not prepared. Angry that perhaps...just perhaps, I'm reaping what I sowed in a sense.

Day 6

Your will not believe the harsh words your spouse will use towards you. It will absolutely blow you mind. Its as if the day never existed when they loved you or they cared. It will be a faint memory. Unfortunately, during breakups people tend to be very immature and take shots where they can. Some want to inflict pain, especially when they feel hurt by you. I cant believe how my husband talks to me. I reached out a few times by text and he was so cold and callous I had to go back just to reread it. For a moment, I thought someone else had taken his phone.It will be so painful to comprehend it, but it is a part of the process. Try not to over expose yourself. Look for an outlet that will not be detrimental to you. It can help you handle the stress.Refrain from pouring out your feelings to them if they appear to be exceptionally spiteful because all it will do is cut you deeper.