Day 11

The loneliness that you may begin to feel is daunting. It will shake you to the core. Especially if you have been married awhile, you will see just how much you were accustomed to the little things of your spouse.. like the sound of their voice, or hearing their song on the radio. Certain landmarks you see will bring them to memory, and don't forget that people will continue to ask you about your spouse everywhere you go. People may notice that you have stopped wearing your wedding ring or have removed pictures from your desk at work... the separating portion is so hard... its like tearing flesh from bone even if you were not happy with your spouse. You may begin to worry about finding another mate.... all these sensations are natural.In my case, My husband was physically what I always wanted. Very handsome, perfect smile. I find that when I look at men. I still measure them to my husband, and am not attracted... smh.

Day 10

This is the time when it is critical to devise your bounce back strategy. Many people cant bounce back after the devastating blow of divorce...but i have made up my mind to excel.Whatever that means to you specifically begin to pour into it immediately. For me this is going back to school,making sure I keep myself together and drawing close to God. All areas in which suffered when I was married. To be honest, when I got married and things got rocky, I distanced myself from God because I was angry. I stopped tithing and  working in ministry. I wonder at times if that was the moment I contributed to the destruction of my marriage.. because I ran from God. Believers can not do things like those of the world do. We experience much heftier consequences. I wanted my husband to be everything in my life, and was troubled when he did not measure up. As a response I should have poured INTO and not out of my marriage. I should have chased God down reminding him of the promises, not hitting the streets. Hindsight is always 20/20. 

Day 9

People will say they are there for you, but they lie. The truth if the matter is you will feel it alone. Noone will be able to aid you in the pain and the loneliness. Part of me wants to reconcile, but the other half wonders what life is like on the other side, wonders if he ever actually loved me since he can so easily abandon me. This experience makes me leery to trust again. If someone can look you in the eye, and profess the ultimate human commitment, and then walk away whenever its convenient..... who in the world can you trust. I know definitively I can never go through this ever again. too painful.

Day 8

The rumor mill will kill you especially the social media side. The moment you change your relationship status.. or when they start noticing a lack of pictures of the two of you together. Today someone contacted my mother asking about the status of us two. Suggesting that I should have moved out of state with my husband, when he decided to attend pharmacy school out of state. Little did they know I was last to find out about his choice, and I was never included in his choices. I did not feel like I should sacrifice everything for someone that couldnt even consider me, husband or no husband. I knew being alone with him out of state would be a lonely journey that I was not willing to take. It just wasnt worth it to me. And the sad thing is that in my case, we had been having issues since our first year, by the time he decided to move, our relationship was already dead. I guess desperate chicks are supposed to eat,breath,sleep and live for their husbands.. but honestly I have always been very concerned with my own personal aspirations. I watched many of my parents friends sacrifice their lives for the betterment of others whilst their dreams died... I vowed to never do the same.But that is the part they don't know and would never have the heart to ask you.. so they go on with their chatters.. and it is both embarrassing, and angering. Do prepare.

Day 7

I feel so much anger. Anger that my life has to come to this turn. Angry I have to start again. Wondering why things cant just go my way ugh. Angry at my husband for breaking his promise to always be there. Angry that people just cant be trusted. angry that I am yet to ever have a love reciprocate the love that I give. I know people say these type of experiences are 'life lessons' but I hate that expression. I believe it is really just a cop-out because we cant prevent having to deal with it.Angry because I loved his family and am close with them,Angry that I wont be affiliated with my husband any more. Angry that I never forsaw this day. Angry that I was not prepared. Angry that perhaps...just perhaps, I'm reaping what I sowed in a sense.

Day 6

Your will not believe the harsh words your spouse will use towards you. It will absolutely blow you mind. Its as if the day never existed when they loved you or they cared. It will be a faint memory. Unfortunately, during breakups people tend to be very immature and take shots where they can. Some want to inflict pain, especially when they feel hurt by you. I cant believe how my husband talks to me. I reached out a few times by text and he was so cold and callous I had to go back just to reread it. For a moment, I thought someone else had taken his phone.It will be so painful to comprehend it, but it is a part of the process. Try not to over expose yourself. Look for an outlet that will not be detrimental to you. It can help you handle the stress.Refrain from pouring out your feelings to them if they appear to be exceptionally spiteful because all it will do is cut you deeper.

Day 5

They are not the only potential mate in the world, especially if the two of you have come to this conclusion.You have to tell yourself just to stay sane. Have you ever considered that it may have been a mistake from the beginning that you tried to forge together? If that the case, you can use that to justify the eventual breakdown. Were there cardinal signs that you chose to ignore.. thinking that you could move past them? Me personally ,am looking forward to new beginnings and a more fulfilling life. To be honest my marriage was become much more work than pleasure. In my case the break will be more easy. We dont have loads of property to divide, and we don't share kids.. So once everything becomes final, we can go our separate ways thankfully. I think divorce is really sad, believe me. I never expected to be headed down this road, and I don't want it, but I have come to peace with it. We are human and we all can experience failure, the most important thing to remember is to keep going on. I am fully confident that I will meet happiness soon, and with more maturity and wisdom.It will however be more taxing if you are a believer.. you deal with the , "Am I making the right choice?" and "Will God punish me for this?" series of questions.. because after all we all know that God does not advocate for it..although a few grounds for divorce are presented.

Day 4

Sometimes I hate that Im such a pessimist, that I am always mapping and planning escape routes.... but I am, and i do.Somehow I worried of this day a few times over the years. I hoped that I would never meet it, but I have. Sometimes I think instead of thinking in this way, I wish I was one of those hopeless optimistic people that can only ever anticiapte the positives. Seems like they are so much more free. Sometimes I wonder if this aspect is one that pushed my husband away. I definitely know I have to learn to not be so critical for the future. Everyone can not handle the pressure. Sometimes I wonder if he was really insecure, and needed assurance from me.. ironically the very same assurance I needed from him. The sad thing is communication was always a struggle for him, so I may never learn what exactly was in his head that caused him to take this path.

Day 3

Sometimes I experience real moments of anger, and I feel used. When these bouts come over me I console myself with one of my life's most comforting theories: Human Nature. When I was younger, I used to get so hurt and offended when misfortunes would take place. I would feel so slighted and wonder why it was that certain individuals felt like they could do certain things to me. As I grew up, I surmised that it was just human nature and the way we are all socialized, especially in the capitalist society of America. In America nothing is particularly sacred and people are willing to do whatever it takes to pursue the American dream. They sacrifice love,time,family,health, and spirituality all to chase the almighty dollar. In life there are two categories: givers and takers. Givers give from a deep place in their hearts. it is like water for them. They long to see their friends,family and mates pleased and satisfied....for the taker this is like an unlimited goldmind, and it usually doesn't end well. I have worked so hard in my life to protect my heart once learning this truth. I can honestly say no one ever had more access to me,my heart and my wealth more than my husband. However, I noticed early in the relationship (of course after marriage) that my depth was not matched. Fortunately or unfortunately I began to withdrawl. It has always been in my nature to do so if I feel the disconnect. At this time, I can honestly say I dont hate my husband. I charge my failed marriage to human nature because people can only get what you give. I guess im thankful I didnt give more than I could recoup.