Day 70

Because I go to many African events and know some details of some African marriages.. I wonder exactly why my ex-husband was not strong like some of the other men I know. I wonder if it was the fact that I was American that made it easier for him to cut ties. In marrying a foreigner I knew how serious marriage was in their culture. It provided me assurance that he also made this commitment with this understanding.. However, I have so many un answered questions, but I try not to let it boggle me or rack my brain. I just want to move on.

Day 48

Pray. Ask God to help restore you and heal you so that you wont become bitter in the future. Ask him to send you the type of mate that you need. And also ask him to help you develop in the areas that you lack to prevent this happening again. Prayer stirs up hope. It gives you an expectation of better times to come. I would encourage you to go often into prayer when you are experiencing pain and sadness.

Day 47

Do not ignore reality. Be honest with yourself, and when you can begin to muster be honest with others too. Unless your spouse has died and you able to cover up your marital issues with that, this subject is one that you will not be able to ignore or hide. you will have to accept it at some point. I'm trying to be mature through the process. I cant ignore that my ex existed.. he is and will always be part of my past. My main focus is trying to move forward and be successful. I don't choose to paint him as an evil creature. After all there was a point in which we both willingly chose to marry each other. I was committed to him, and I loved him. I think it is the epitome to totally slander your ex spouse just because you have experienced hard times... after all they are a reflection of you at some point of your life.. no one held a gun to your head and made you get married.

Day 46

Live your dreams. Now is the time to do all the things that you have been putting off. Think about it. The time invested in your marriage is lost. You will have to do double time to get yourself properly positioned. Don't hesitate.If you still have dreams to find love and have a family.. don't spend too much time grieving. Just remember you have one life, and don't squander it harboring hurtful situations or disappointments.

Day 45

You will understand the meaning of bitterness, anger, confusion, and anxiousness. When men approach you, you will instinctively want to know what they want.. you will have flashbacks.. you will feel the anger and resentment, but please do not let your past hinder you. Success is the best answer to any hardship you have faced. I am determined to find happiness in this area of my life.

Day 44

There are definitely two sides to the story of your divorce. I think that when you assess your side of things you can began to heal. The fact of the matter is that neither one of you just woke up one morning with a broken marriage. And realistically, there are not many problems that cant be fixed. I believe that with compromise and love anything can be sorted if both parties involved are willing. For me, I am taking an ariel view at my life so that I can improve myself. I did things that did not grow my marriage. I did childish things to inflict pain because I was in pain. I hold 50% of the responsibility, but so does he. 

Day 43

Relations with your spouses family: It can remain good at least for the moment based on their diplomacy. Or they can take his side and become your enemies. Naturally If you have children that are close with his side, this whole thing can be super tricky. Due to the fact most of my exes family is spread out in other states and his parents live abroad, I had limited contacts with them anyway. Sadly. I believe that perhaps they could have had more of an impact on him if they were closer, as they know him better than I ever did. I also attribute the fact to him being away from the social expectations of his home has made him more liberal to  pursue a divorce. I know for a fact if we lived abroad... this whole story would have happened differently.

Day 42

Do not let this time in your life define you. Do not let it hinder you, do not let it poison your mind. The truth of the matter is that you CAN get past this. You can rebound. You can have a fulfilling life again. For me being married validated me in many different ways. As a woman, no matter what other things you accomplish, you are validated by your relationship status, and I especially feel the pressure of "what is wrong with you" now that my ex has decided to leave me. In some ways, him being there validated me as desirable.. now I kinda feel like i have a communicable disease or something. I combat these feelings by trying to keep my appearance together. It makes me feel more attractive although I am fighting the battle of self worth inside.

Day 41

There are days when you will wish for your home to be like it used to be. You will wish for your ex to come through the door. You will wish to hear his voice, or lay aside him on a cold night. You will forget you cant call him to borrow a few bucks until payday.. You may become somewhat saddened by the memories of the future plans you had together, that will never come to pass, but all is not lost. You still have life, and if you allow yourself, you will be able to love again.

Day 40

Access your level of communication. is it an area that you can improve upon. To be honest communication was a consistent issue with my spouse and I, I didn't want to make him look bad to his family either so I held back on talking to them too about issues we were having. By the time i brought them to their attention, things had become very strained in the house. I recommend addressing issues early on, when you start to notice them. If you are unsuccessful communicating directly with their mate, enlist the help of a close friend or family member that perhaps knows better ways to communicate with them. This is especially important in African relationships. Often including them can help greatly in getting everyone on the same page. Don't abuse it though, use it as a last resort to a dire situation.

Day 39

You are free. Now is the time to explore all the things you were restricted from when you were married because of 'compromise' sake.In all honesty I hope at this point you realize that life is too short and nothing or no one is promised/obligated to you. Even if they make vows and promises to never leave you.. they still can, and do. If you are like me, you feel like after investing time and emotions into a failed marriage, there is no more time to spare. Although I do miss my ex at times, I feel relief. I don't have to debate about this or that. I don't have to deal with cohabitation. I don't have to sacrifice.. and I do find some solace in that. I have some great things planned for myself upcoming and it brings great excitement. :-)

Day 38

Because my Divorce journey is also incorporating dating.. I wanna go over some personal ground rules for my future suitor roster.... I have decided to be celibate during this time. I believe in taking time to meet and get to know anyone that I'm dating. I believe a lack of friendship contributed to some of the issues that my ex and I experienced. Also consciously and continuously remind yourself that the new person you are dating is not your spouse, be patient and open with them. Take this opportunity to prevent pitfalls from the past. Do not look back. Thanks to social media, it is easy to find other failed lovers/relationships from the past. Remember it didn't work in the past.. so it is probably best to not revisit it. If you happen to connect with someone you are interested in that doesn't reciprocate the same interest; move on. Do not trap yourself in another unsuccessful relationship. Take them at face value because if they were interested they would make time.... which is what 'Mr. Dimples' told me, and it is so true. This time is for you. If you have children, obviously it goes without saying that you need to be selective what you expose your children too. This time is going to be stressful and life changing for them.. you don't want to further confuse them by integrating foolishness in. Stay prayerful as well. Ask that God can restore and heal you from the scars and issues your divorce has caused. Ask that he will give you the desires of your heart to find a loving and supportive mate that you can spend your life with. He is certainly able to do it. I believe that.

Day 37

I think its important to began moving on towards your future as soon as you possibly can. For me this includes: ordering my finances,getting on track with God, dating again and going back to school. I have spared no time in that. I will be starting an online school next month and as I mentioned in one of my other posts, I have begun dating. I think that in many, many cases our spouses leave us because they seem to look at us as a burden, they seem to rationalize that their life will be better without us. Based on the way my ex speaks to me... I have come to this conclusion in my specific situation. I will use his doubts as motivation to move forward aggressively. I refuse to let him ever see me in a negative light, ever. I know a former divorced woman that never realized this truth, and her best days were when she was married. Her ex continued on to do big things, but she never rebounded professionally or personally after.For some reason my ex thinks I will never go any further without him... He is sadly mistaken. I can understand his misguided perception somewhat because during the course of our marriage whilst he strategically made individual moves to better himself, I focused more on us as a unit, and neglected my own progress. However, I am ambitious, and that is something that resonates from my past as well as my future. Nonetheless, I think the faster you delve into bettering yourself, the faster you heal.

Day 35

Deciding to repair or move on can be a difficult choice. For me, not so much. My ex has been so absolutely cold during this whole process, It only made sense to move forward. I tried relentlessly for a few months. Calling his friends and family, pleading for them to talk to him. Sending kind messages to him.. crying my eyes out. Staying prayerful (which I still maintain) and the like. However, there comes a point when you have to determine which way you will go forward. Again it will be specific to your situation. When you have children, business' and property the separation of church and state will naturally be tougher and longer. Fortunately or unfortunately we didn't have much to split, just a few bills which my ex wasted no time doing.

Day 32

Divorce is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It is never easy. It is never a blessing, and most of all, the years you have invested can never be repaid. I pray for all the others who are going through or have been through.

Day 29

There is a point in which you will stop being the victim. You will stop letting your (ex)spouse have so much power in your life. Unfortunately the time in which you determine this can fluctuate between months and years depending on you. Perhaps it is the fact that my breakup and everything is happening around the new year that helped me reach that point. I decided that I will move on and leave my fate in the hands of the Lord. If his will be that my husband and I will reconcile, I will let God deal with it, but as for me, I will move on and focus on God and my personal progress. I will not beg my husband to reconsider, I will not cry. I will not expect more from him than he can ever give. He is simply a man and God is greater... no need to invest so much hope in another human.. After all there are plenty to go around. Whoever came with the idea that there is only one love for you is crazy, there are clearly more than one man to every woman.

Day 28

I do worry finding someone as eligible as my husband. Handsome, smart,hard working... I will have to leave it up to God. I hope that my next relationship will have love in it though. The kind of love that will last me the rest of my life. The type of love that calls when you are late getting home from work, or stands by you when you are sick. The type of love that comforts you in sadness and revels in your happiness. Ultimately the type of love that will never turn their back on you, never leave you alone, and never leave you; only separated by death.

Day 27

Do not let divorce destroy you.... do not hold onto it. Do not become the woman still talking about her ex five years from now.. Try as hard as you can to let it go. To create the new you. Do not fall off. Do not give in. Remember, no matter how far ago it was, who you were before him.. and that you can re-emerge. I have never in my life been so conscious of coming back strong. I will be relentless in it, although I know it takes time.

Day 25

For some reason, my husband seems to think that my life is not going to go on after him. He seems to think that anything that I do regarding my own improvement is centralized around him. Its hilarious to me that some honestly think that you will not survive without them. I literally have been married only 2.5 years, but have lived decades. I can assure you, life does indeed, go on, and it will go on for you too. I look forward to blowing up in success, and finding a wonderful loving mate to share my life with.

Day 24

For just a few years I have identified with the term 'wife' and I loved it. I loved being connected to something I felt was bigger than me. I loved changing my name and taking my husband's surname... but unfortunately thanks to him I have to let it go, and I'll be honest it has shaken me to the core. I don't think I will ever identify with the term 'divorcee'. I will kindly say we went our separate ways, and I will not be reverting my name back. I wear it as a badge. I always loved my husbands name, and I will still continue to wear it until (optimistically speaking) it changes again for the true better and worse. I don't believe in taking on such identifiers. Some people wrap themselves in their divorce. They begin to allow it define them. Ten years from now they will still be talking about it. I do not intend to be one of them. I hate the word.. I hate that it applies to me. I honestly never wanted this experience.. I never wanted to belong to this club, and it is so incredibly painful that I never want to know it again. For those that marry umpteen times and divorce... I have no idea how you find the energy. I have literally almost had a psychotic break. I have cried until my eyes were sore... my heart has ached and longed for my husband. I have felt the waves of silence in my home. Its absolutely awful, and on the scale of divorces mine is not as bad as it can get... but the pain is insurmountable.