For just a few years I have identified with the term 'wife' and I loved it. I loved being connected to something I felt was bigger than me. I loved changing my name and taking my husband's surname... but unfortunately thanks to him I have to let it go, and I'll be honest it has shaken me to the core. I don't think I will ever identify with the term 'divorcee'. I will kindly say we went our separate ways, and I will not be reverting my name back. I wear it as a badge. I always loved my husbands name, and I will still continue to wear it until (optimistically speaking) it changes again for the true better and worse. I don't believe in taking on such identifiers. Some people wrap themselves in their divorce. They begin to allow it define them. Ten years from now they will still be talking about it. I do not intend to be one of them. I hate the word.. I hate that it applies to me. I honestly never wanted this experience.. I never wanted to belong to this club, and it is so incredibly painful that I never want to know it again. For those that marry umpteen times and divorce... I have no idea how you find the energy. I have literally almost had a psychotic break. I have cried until my eyes were sore... my heart has ached and longed for my husband. I have felt the waves of silence in my home. Its absolutely awful, and on the scale of divorces mine is not as bad as it can get... but the pain is insurmountable.
