Day 78

I think I have given my divorce enough time and reflection...so this blog is officially done :-) Time to really move on and close this chapter.

Day 77

The holidays are so terrible for the first few years, but you really have to figure out how to not let your ex ruin your life even after they are gone. Sometimes it may be necessary to withdraw from the reminders like social media for awhile. Make new memories with new people, don't withdraw and isolate yourself. Make sure as they have moved on, you learn how to as well.

Day 76

Whenever you look into the abyss it always looks back. Today I was cleaning out my email box, and ran across a flurry of old emails from my ex.. it stung me. The reality is no matter how much time goes by... the pain comes back with memories... especially happy memories. The emails were littered with smiley faces, lol and happy times... smh a far cry from how it all ended.

Day 74

Never ever bad mouth him in public... Never act like he was the most repulsive person in the world. After all at a point you DID love him.. and you DID make that choice. You will be tempted to curse him. You will want to inflict pain on him for all the disappointment you have, but do not. It makes you look immature and childish. I can take pride in the fact that I tried to handle is a ladylike as possible. My character is strong and resilient.

Day 74

I carefully watched as one by one my "in laws"deleted me off Facebook. It stung me to the core. I thought we could at least be cordial... It's not as if I ever made my ex look bad or slammed him in the public eye. I have to admit this is what drove home the reality of the breakup... Just watching how quickly I have been swept under the rug. I expected so much more from them...very very saddening...

Day 72

Don't pretend to wish them well... because I don't. I want this to be as costly and painful to him as it has been to me, and that's simply the truth. The way he was able to walk away from everything we had makes me seriously doubt any love. How can anyone ever be so spiteful to the one they claim to love. How can real love hold on to grudges??

Day 73

It will astonish you just how quickly all the time,effort,emotions,and money you spent on someone will evaporate into thin air. It has been nearly a year since he completely cut me off and never set foot back into the apartment we once shared. I don't even remember him nor the sound of his voice. Looking at pictures are like looking at a memory you can't recall. I don't remember any of it. Sometimes when I wake up I think its a joke or a bad dream. That I really didn't just waste these important years on a selfish bastard like that. Wondering what I ever saw.. or how I could overlook such traits? Was it me.. or did he just masquerade as something he was not?

Day 71

You will feel a part of you is missing for a long while. You will think of them on certain occasions. You will have moments where you want to share things with them, but will them be reminded. The day of my divorce hearing... I didnt even bother to attend the court. I didnt want to see him. I didnt want to cry. I didnt want to see the coldness in his eyes. I skipped it, and let the cards fall where they may. I woke up the day after angry.. angry about this situation. Angry that he had abandoned me. Wanting to escape my new life.. because Im so overall nervous about how things had worked out. I begin to notice that mutual friends and family had deleted and blocked me from Facebook, although throughout the entire process I was beyond ladylike and respectful. I felt like a shunned individual. smh. I believe the worst thing about it was that I never wanted it.. I never wanted to be a divorced woman, and have to start all over again... much like the course of our whole marriage I was subjected to things taking place that I didnt want....

Day 70

Because I go to many African events and know some details of some African marriages.. I wonder exactly why my ex-husband was not strong like some of the other men I know. I wonder if it was the fact that I was American that made it easier for him to cut ties. In marrying a foreigner I knew how serious marriage was in their culture. It provided me assurance that he also made this commitment with this understanding.. However, I have so many un answered questions, but I try not to let it boggle me or rack my brain. I just want to move on.

Day 69

I believe you must really make a consorted effort to close the door on any looming questions you may have about what could have been. I was asked by a close friend what would I do if my ex came back for me before our divorce was final, and before asked that question... I had never considered it simply because he is so callous and cold. His pride has prevented him in even reaching out to me since he requested the divorce. After pondering the weighted question, I realized I had never resolved it. I contacted him and asked him if he had reconsidered. He made a bunch of excuses of why we couldn't reconcile, why he had moved on etc, and at this point I was finally able to close this chapter. I felt in my heart that I had tried to salvage it any way possible, but he rejected it. I even released my movie that I passionately made to chronicle my journey. I am free.

Day 68

Sometimes I feel serious resentment towards him.. for wasting my time.. my parents money on our large wedding.. for scarring me emotionally, and making me feel hindrances that never existed before we married. Sometimes I look at myself, and wonder if I overlooked something critical that could have warned me how it would all play out. I wonder if our divorce was destiny or if we both just broke it...

Day 67

I'd be lying to say I don't think about my ex sometimes. That sometimes I wonder what he is up too, if he is happy.. if he regrets his choice, but living in the past is not wise for anyone. Because the truth is, if he approached me about reconciling.. I don't know how I would feel about it because so much has transpired between us.

Day 66

The broken relationships that inextricably follow a divorce. People that were considered family, and mutual friends gravitate between one side or the other. I am so saddened by break with my in-laws. I often think of them and miss talking to them. Its as if the strife between my and I has also severed those relationships, and God only knows what he has told them of me..

Day 65

I'm a spiritual woman. Always have been always will. So I'm taking this time to be very open and candid with God about the desires of my heart as well making a serious priority the things God is also expecting of me. In many ways I see where I went wrong in my marriage from my side. I refused to move forward in my career in which frustrated my ex.. although he could have been more supportive. In my own way I was selfish. I also didn't have the patience to nurture him in a better way. He was introverted and didn't express his feelings which only made me more angry. God has shown me areas to improve.

Day 64

Its ok to remember them sometimes. I believe its natural, after all you had every intent of spending your life with this person. Likely from the beginning you did things with your future in mind. Dont beat yourself up for it, but also dont dwell. Get rid of the memories best you can to not torture yourself with the constant reminder. Refrain from contacting them with tearful outburst.. if they are anything like my ex they have the coldest heart one could imagine.

Day 63

It does get easier. The pain does subside. The day will come will you have forgotten about him. That day, will be determined by you. In my case when my ex decided to leave me it was a clean break. He took all his things, and never set foot back in our place. Over the past few months I have really healed. I dont want to waste too much time pondering over the what if's because Im determined to get my life on track, and Im determined to succeed.. sooner than later. Often times it is our own fears that keeps us from moving on. For me, I am in my most critical decade.. I do not have time to expend on directionless moves. I have to go forward with a purpose and with a plan.

Day 62

It is important to heal as much as you can. Do not ignore the reality of your divorce.. Do not ignore how it makes you feel. Do not pretend your not sad,devastated,hurt or angry... Hash it out so that you may begin the healing process. In my case i took several months to deal with the disappointment of my ex leaving me. I pondered over the why and how as it continued to evade me. Fortunately I'm very in tune with myself. I try to look at things logically and not internalize things too much. My ex was just a man... capable of all sorts of disappointments. He was a quitter.. because he rather leave than try to sort things out. He was weak, a liar, and a cold hearted  individual. I was certainly not innocent, but I'm still no comparison for him. All of this transition took place for me in the fall. As someone who often self reflects and looks for improvement, the onset of my birthday and a new year often brings about a severe reflection. I decided that I would not take my sorrow for my ex into the new year, and that's exactly what I did. I decided that I would not squander time thinking of someone who didn't think or worry about me. It hurt me how he never called to check up on me. He never even called on our anniversary or holidays. He is the most callous person I have ever met, but I'm moving on. Life does go on.

Day 61

Remember that you are single.. and that any new person you meet is not your former spouse. It is a difficult transition to learn, but if you want to find success in another relationship at some point, you must learn it. Ive found in the process of beginning to date again, I have to constantly remind myself of such things. Not to expect too much, not to get too transparent.. not to move to fast.. not to show too many cards. Its not easy from going to an established relationship to being single and starting over.Things that you already taught your ex, you expect your new person to know. My advice is slow down and take it easy. Do not put too much pressure on any new relationship or else it too will break down. 

Day 60

Accept the fact that your ex spouse was just a mere human. Don't get so wrapped up in how they did you and so on and so forth. The fact of the matter is that we as people are all flawed and they have the capability to do just about anything. At first I was so devastated that my ex could just walk away. Even whilst I begged him. He showed no mercy, yet when I was in the very same boat... I showed compassion. We have alot of mutual friends, and I refuse to just cut everyone off because of this divorce. I have come to love them. I believe such things is very immature.

Day 59

Do not let the madness cause you to lose your mind.