Day 7

I feel so much anger. Anger that my life has to come to this turn. Angry I have to start again. Wondering why things cant just go my way ugh. Angry at my husband for breaking his promise to always be there. Angry that people just cant be trusted. angry that I am yet to ever have a love reciprocate the love that I give. I know people say these type of experiences are 'life lessons' but I hate that expression. I believe it is really just a cop-out because we cant prevent having to deal with it.Angry because I loved his family and am close with them,Angry that I wont be affiliated with my husband any more. Angry that I never forsaw this day. Angry that I was not prepared. Angry that perhaps...just perhaps, I'm reaping what I sowed in a sense.

Day 6

Your will not believe the harsh words your spouse will use towards you. It will absolutely blow you mind. Its as if the day never existed when they loved you or they cared. It will be a faint memory. Unfortunately, during breakups people tend to be very immature and take shots where they can. Some want to inflict pain, especially when they feel hurt by you. I cant believe how my husband talks to me. I reached out a few times by text and he was so cold and callous I had to go back just to reread it. For a moment, I thought someone else had taken his phone.It will be so painful to comprehend it, but it is a part of the process. Try not to over expose yourself. Look for an outlet that will not be detrimental to you. It can help you handle the stress.Refrain from pouring out your feelings to them if they appear to be exceptionally spiteful because all it will do is cut you deeper.

Day 5

They are not the only potential mate in the world, especially if the two of you have come to this conclusion.You have to tell yourself just to stay sane. Have you ever considered that it may have been a mistake from the beginning that you tried to forge together? If that the case, you can use that to justify the eventual breakdown. Were there cardinal signs that you chose to ignore.. thinking that you could move past them? Me personally ,am looking forward to new beginnings and a more fulfilling life. To be honest my marriage was become much more work than pleasure. In my case the break will be more easy. We dont have loads of property to divide, and we don't share kids.. So once everything becomes final, we can go our separate ways thankfully. I think divorce is really sad, believe me. I never expected to be headed down this road, and I don't want it, but I have come to peace with it. We are human and we all can experience failure, the most important thing to remember is to keep going on. I am fully confident that I will meet happiness soon, and with more maturity and wisdom.It will however be more taxing if you are a believer.. you deal with the , "Am I making the right choice?" and "Will God punish me for this?" series of questions.. because after all we all know that God does not advocate for it..although a few grounds for divorce are presented.

Day 4

Sometimes I hate that Im such a pessimist, that I am always mapping and planning escape routes.... but I am, and i do.Somehow I worried of this day a few times over the years. I hoped that I would never meet it, but I have. Sometimes I think instead of thinking in this way, I wish I was one of those hopeless optimistic people that can only ever anticiapte the positives. Seems like they are so much more free. Sometimes I wonder if this aspect is one that pushed my husband away. I definitely know I have to learn to not be so critical for the future. Everyone can not handle the pressure. Sometimes I wonder if he was really insecure, and needed assurance from me.. ironically the very same assurance I needed from him. The sad thing is communication was always a struggle for him, so I may never learn what exactly was in his head that caused him to take this path.

Day 3

Sometimes I experience real moments of anger, and I feel used. When these bouts come over me I console myself with one of my life's most comforting theories: Human Nature. When I was younger, I used to get so hurt and offended when misfortunes would take place. I would feel so slighted and wonder why it was that certain individuals felt like they could do certain things to me. As I grew up, I surmised that it was just human nature and the way we are all socialized, especially in the capitalist society of America. In America nothing is particularly sacred and people are willing to do whatever it takes to pursue the American dream. They sacrifice love,time,family,health, and spirituality all to chase the almighty dollar. In life there are two categories: givers and takers. Givers give from a deep place in their hearts. it is like water for them. They long to see their friends,family and mates pleased and satisfied....for the taker this is like an unlimited goldmind, and it usually doesn't end well. I have worked so hard in my life to protect my heart once learning this truth. I can honestly say no one ever had more access to me,my heart and my wealth more than my husband. However, I noticed early in the relationship (of course after marriage) that my depth was not matched. Fortunately or unfortunately I began to withdrawl. It has always been in my nature to do so if I feel the disconnect. At this time, I can honestly say I dont hate my husband. I charge my failed marriage to human nature because people can only get what you give. I guess im thankful I didnt give more than I could recoup.

Day 2

I had the perfect look of things in my house. Both my (ex)husband and I are attractive people, have nice things, live in a nice apartment. Im sure many looked at us as a model couple, never knowing the strife that we endured in the privacy of our home. Today I ponder about the perfect blend of beauty and sincerity for my future. I wonder if I will ever find real love. If it is really possible to have both things in harmony. The rift strated early for us, but because of my deep rooting in the church, I tried to forge through it. In my gut... I felt the disconnect.. but my desire for the image was real. Just as I believed it was also for my husband. I believe alot of us suffer with the tug of war between the image and the reality of our homes, careers and lives, and even some sacrifice a more fulfilling life just told hold on to their image. Separating from my husband is a bittersweet thing. Its bitter because of all the mutual friends and family we share, the name we share and the time invested. Its somewhat a relief because of the sleepless nights of worry, the lack of connection, and the refusal of teamwork and compromise on his part. I have a very open mind about moving on from the past. I believe life is too short to cry too long over things that have taken place. Don't get me wrong it is sad and all what is happening to all that we have built, yet there is something freeing about it as I think of new possibilities :-) Buck up..... everything is going to be alright.

The First Day 11/4/2014

Today is the first day after my husband vehemently requesting a divorce after nearly three years of marriage, and refusing to reconsider his choice. I offered to work. I reached out to his family. I cried,and I felt alone. I am creating this blog as a day by day account of the first year after a divorce. The highs and lows. It is an intimate detailed account of my life, my truth, my sadness and my victory. As always this is not to disrespect my husband, his family or friends, but to be used as an honest account that can provide support for many others that experience the same. This has been a long time coming as we have had a rocky relationship from the beginning of our marriage. We both did inappropriate things that left each other hurt and did not resolve the problems that we had. At one point last year, I wanted to leave as I have previously shared on my blog, but he asked me to stay, and I did. As it is difficult to ever walk away from someone when you have remnants of love. I am trying not to feel bitter that now that the tables have turned I do not receive the same consideration. My emotions are mixed. Partially of relief from the sleepless nights,tears and worries, but also sadness at being disconnected from someone I have shared a home with, made new friendships with and invested time on. At this point I am trying to see the silver lining, the very fact that we don't have children to involve in the mix, that I am still young and have the potential to find love yet again. Worry currently keeps me up at night, as I was at the point that I wanted to begin a family, and my husband was the ideal candidate. I worry about entrusting someone again, as It takes time, and i worry about having children in a decent time frame. I think about separating all the bills and constantly being asked about him, but lastly I feel used as he has accomplished much for himself during our marriage, but I am left feeling that I did not get equally as much done. I will soon deactivate my Facebook to focus on other things, but keep this concealed from my main blog and YouTube channel. I recently returned from abroad in which this internal debate was one of the driving factors, as I prepare to go into 2015 I needed to have direction in our relationship. There were two options, stay and honestly work together, as I have to take responsibility for my portions of the wrongs (side friends,emails that discussed issues I was having with my husband,mean words in arguments etc) or move on separately. Needless to say which option was chosen...lol. I guess the most hurtful aspect of it is how easy it seems for him to ignore me and cut me off, its as if I never existed.