Day 24

For just a few years I have identified with the term 'wife' and I loved it. I loved being connected to something I felt was bigger than me. I loved changing my name and taking my husband's surname... but unfortunately thanks to him I have to let it go, and I'll be honest it has shaken me to the core. I don't think I will ever identify with the term 'divorcee'. I will kindly say we went our separate ways, and I will not be reverting my name back. I wear it as a badge. I always loved my husbands name, and I will still continue to wear it until (optimistically speaking) it changes again for the true better and worse. I don't believe in taking on such identifiers. Some people wrap themselves in their divorce. They begin to allow it define them. Ten years from now they will still be talking about it. I do not intend to be one of them. I hate the word.. I hate that it applies to me. I honestly never wanted this experience.. I never wanted to belong to this club, and it is so incredibly painful that I never want to know it again. For those that marry umpteen times and divorce... I have no idea how you find the energy. I have literally almost had a psychotic break. I have cried until my eyes were sore... my heart has ached and longed for my husband. I have felt the waves of silence in my home. Its absolutely awful, and on the scale of divorces mine is not as bad as it can get... but the pain is insurmountable.

Day 23

Oh God.... the embarrassment. You cant even put it into words the cringe whenever someone asks you about your 'husband' and then go into 'Oh my! I'm so sorry to hear that" whilst you feel the snicker inside. The whole divorce experience has been beyond embarrassing to me. People were jealous when we married and hoped for the worst, and here it is coming to past. It is the prideful person's nightmare. Just remember although it hurts tremendously now, over time it will lessen.At least that is what they tell me. I fell that taking control instead of trying to ignore it also softens the blow. People will talk, but by taking control of your situation you limit the speculations. In my case I went as far as to make a movie and release it on YouTube to express my side of things. I refused to be silent in all of this. Ive chosen to instead become a resource.

Day 22

Keep your routine... don't lose yourself in despair. It is certainly easy to do with all the stress. Easy to quit eating, quit going to the gym.. stop maintaining yourself, but you have to keep it together. Don't give him or any of the hecklers the satisfaction. The fact of the matter is you have to rebuild your life, you have to create a new regimen. Using what you can of your old one can be helpful in this. Once you get out of the positive things of your routine, It can be difficult to get back to it such as: going to church or working out, so preserve what you can.

Day 21

I dont care what anyone will tell you.. the pain of heartbreak is real.. it has broken me down on so many nights. I dread coming home to my empty apartment, and remembering the good and bad of home. I have sobbed my eyes out, spent sleepless nights, and the like behind this divorce. I never ever want to encounter anything like this in my life. Even though I sometimes feel that were not compatible.. your spouse will still grow on you. After all at the point you married them, you had honestly believed you would spend the rest of your life with them. Even at the point over a year has passed, I hate to admit that I still have moments I ponder on things, but I focus the majority of my time and efforts on how to enhance my future, and how to find love again.

Day 20

You will feel inadequate. You will feel worthless and not beautiful. As a woman we measure ourselves by the man we can attract and keep. Somehow, you will feel responsible for him leaving you and it will be devastating. You may have held responsibility in the demise ( I can be honest and say there were things I did),but it takes two. Do not bear the entire weight because it must be shared. Reconcile the things you did with yourself , and improve for future love and relationships.

Day 19

Trust issues.... you will undoubetedly develop. Part of you may want to isolate yourself and never ever trust another man... the other vengeful side will want to find someone better than your last to flaunt and show off that you were able to rebound. Your mind will be split and will play tricks on you. I cant believe that my husband would abandon me.. he was the last person in the whole world I would think would quit. smh

Day 18

Bitterness.... undoubetedly, will you feel it even if you dont want too. I know my biggest issue and deepest pain comes from the fact that husband promised to sustain me no matter what however quickly decided to leave me. With him being African I thought I was especially safe from divorce as it is a taboo in his culture as well as his catholic religion. I deal with spilt emotions nearly everyday. There are days where I think that moving on may not be such a bad thing.. but most of the times I am so petrified at the thought of beginning again.. Meeting and entrusting someone again. I had established a comfort zone that I didnt expect troubled. It has been difficult to wrap my mind around my current status.