Day 21

I dont care what anyone will tell you.. the pain of heartbreak is real.. it has broken me down on so many nights. I dread coming home to my empty apartment, and remembering the good and bad of home. I have sobbed my eyes out, spent sleepless nights, and the like behind this divorce. I never ever want to encounter anything like this in my life. Even though I sometimes feel that were not compatible.. your spouse will still grow on you. After all at the point you married them, you had honestly believed you would spend the rest of your life with them. Even at the point over a year has passed, I hate to admit that I still have moments I ponder on things, but I focus the majority of my time and efforts on how to enhance my future, and how to find love again.

Day 20

You will feel inadequate. You will feel worthless and not beautiful. As a woman we measure ourselves by the man we can attract and keep. Somehow, you will feel responsible for him leaving you and it will be devastating. You may have held responsibility in the demise ( I can be honest and say there were things I did),but it takes two. Do not bear the entire weight because it must be shared. Reconcile the things you did with yourself , and improve for future love and relationships.

Day 19

Trust issues.... you will undoubetedly develop. Part of you may want to isolate yourself and never ever trust another man... the other vengeful side will want to find someone better than your last to flaunt and show off that you were able to rebound. Your mind will be split and will play tricks on you. I cant believe that my husband would abandon me.. he was the last person in the whole world I would think would quit. smh

Day 18

Bitterness.... undoubetedly, will you feel it even if you dont want too. I know my biggest issue and deepest pain comes from the fact that husband promised to sustain me no matter what however quickly decided to leave me. With him being African I thought I was especially safe from divorce as it is a taboo in his culture as well as his catholic religion. I deal with spilt emotions nearly everyday. There are days where I think that moving on may not be such a bad thing.. but most of the times I am so petrified at the thought of beginning again.. Meeting and entrusting someone again. I had established a comfort zone that I didnt expect troubled. It has been difficult to wrap my mind around my current status.

Day 17

Holidays will be tough. Even if you and your spouse were always at odds. you will feel the void. People will keep asking you about them.. You will have to shed the memories of what you were doing this time last year, as you were undoubetedly with them last year. You will be moved to tears by music commercials and couples out and about. You will wonder why you too couldnt be happy in love. I have been keeping a low profile, as I have been randomly crying. Social events are hard, I have to keep them to a minimum.

Day 14

The infamous line.. it could be worse, really rings true. I look at what Im going through and I look for the silver lining because I know many others that have endured such nastier divorces. Although my husband is ice cold towards me, we go through this over distance. Im not bombarded with in my face reminders everyday like some have to face, and we dont have children (thank God I decided not to have any because of some of the discord that we experienced) Some people seems to think that babies fix everything. I have never believed that. Im thankful that if it must end, that it is due to his stubborness. I rest easy every night knowing that I made attempts to mend things with him, and that he refused them.I know the day will come when he thinks over it, and I vow to make the most of my future as a response to his abandonment.

Day 12

I wore my wedding ring from the day I got it, but it was interesting just how quickly the band tan faded. Within a month it was no more. Yesterday I looked at my gorgeous diamond ring, and I missed wearing it. I missed the symbolism, but as it stands. My husbands choice still stands.This also has to be the absolute worst time with all the holidays coming around. The first holiday I spent without him was odd. It was the first holiday in years that we were not together....Bittersweet. Usually my husband would irritate me to no end on the holidays, but I would be lying that I dont feel the void of him not being there. Even if problems exist in the relationship, it is never ever a clean break. I waited in vain for him to show up or call on the holiday.. he did neither.. he is the most heartless man ever.