Day 70

Because I go to many African events and know some details of some African marriages.. I wonder exactly why my ex-husband was not strong like some of the other men I know. I wonder if it was the fact that I was American that made it easier for him to cut ties. In marrying a foreigner I knew how serious marriage was in their culture. It provided me assurance that he also made this commitment with this understanding.. However, I have so many un answered questions, but I try not to let it boggle me or rack my brain. I just want to move on.

Day 69

I believe you must really make a consorted effort to close the door on any looming questions you may have about what could have been. I was asked by a close friend what would I do if my ex came back for me before our divorce was final, and before asked that question... I had never considered it simply because he is so callous and cold. His pride has prevented him in even reaching out to me since he requested the divorce. After pondering the weighted question, I realized I had never resolved it. I contacted him and asked him if he had reconsidered. He made a bunch of excuses of why we couldn't reconcile, why he had moved on etc, and at this point I was finally able to close this chapter. I felt in my heart that I had tried to salvage it any way possible, but he rejected it. I even released my movie that I passionately made to chronicle my journey. I am free.

Day 68

Sometimes I feel serious resentment towards him.. for wasting my time.. my parents money on our large wedding.. for scarring me emotionally, and making me feel hindrances that never existed before we married. Sometimes I look at myself, and wonder if I overlooked something critical that could have warned me how it would all play out. I wonder if our divorce was destiny or if we both just broke it...

Day 67

I'd be lying to say I don't think about my ex sometimes. That sometimes I wonder what he is up too, if he is happy.. if he regrets his choice, but living in the past is not wise for anyone. Because the truth is, if he approached me about reconciling.. I don't know how I would feel about it because so much has transpired between us.

Day 66

The broken relationships that inextricably follow a divorce. People that were considered family, and mutual friends gravitate between one side or the other. I am so saddened by break with my in-laws. I often think of them and miss talking to them. Its as if the strife between my and I has also severed those relationships, and God only knows what he has told them of me..

Day 65

I'm a spiritual woman. Always have been always will. So I'm taking this time to be very open and candid with God about the desires of my heart as well making a serious priority the things God is also expecting of me. In many ways I see where I went wrong in my marriage from my side. I refused to move forward in my career in which frustrated my ex.. although he could have been more supportive. In my own way I was selfish. I also didn't have the patience to nurture him in a better way. He was introverted and didn't express his feelings which only made me more angry. God has shown me areas to improve.

Day 64

Its ok to remember them sometimes. I believe its natural, after all you had every intent of spending your life with this person. Likely from the beginning you did things with your future in mind. Dont beat yourself up for it, but also dont dwell. Get rid of the memories best you can to not torture yourself with the constant reminder. Refrain from contacting them with tearful outburst.. if they are anything like my ex they have the coldest heart one could imagine.